I have been in hiding. I felt that what I was writing had no value, to myself or anyone else, so I stopped. But what I have realized since my last post is that I gained the most out of it when I was writing. So I am going to write, and if no one reads it, I will be doing this just for me, but I am hoping someone will be able to say “me too!”
Before I had kids, I either worked two jobs or worked one job while doing school. I was busy, but I was thriving. I loved life and felt like what I did made an impact. My days on the ambulance were some of the hardest days during that time, but I knew that what I spent my time doing affected someone. On someone’s worst day, I was able to be there to support them and their family. That was amazing! However, once I got pregnant, I left the field, for obvious reasons. I worked at a preschool for a while, but had to stop that when I got put on bedrest with kiddo #2. I never went back to work, but dove into school full time while having littles at home. I had been working on a degree off and on for many years, but for various reasons, I always stopped. So I figured this was the perfect time to do school. It was just for me and would give me something to fill up some time other than the kiddos.
Well, I finished my degree in December, and now I am back to being “just mommy.” Don’t get me wrong, Motherhood is so very important, but it is not about us. It requires so much time and energy, but everything is focused on the kids. I have slowly been losing myself since having kids, but I think school kept me distracted enough that I didn’t notice. Once school ended and my kids became slightly more independent, I realized that I have lost who I am.
That brings us up to today. Today, I am lost. I feel a deep tug to be doing something else, but I do not know what that something is. My kids are all home for the summer, so it seems like a bad time to start something new. Yet, the nagging is not going away. I feel like I am called for something more, but I am not sure what that something more is. Do I go back to work? Do I volunteer somewhere? Do I further my education again? It feels inappropriate to just pick something and hope it is the right choice, but I am not feeling called to do something specific. Even the things that I was dreaming of doing before don’t feel right now. I want to do something that matters, but I feel like there is more.
Mommying is hard, and it can be very lonely. I am weighing if I am just lonely, and that is what is feeding this feeling, but I honestly do not believe so. I long to feel significant, but at the present time, I feel very insignificant. While I am waiting, I am focusing on what I know to be true and resting in the comfort that only He can provide. Today, I am meditating on Isaiah 40:31.
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Will you pray with me that either the path is made clear or I can find resolution to this feeling? Have you ever felt like this? Talk to me and let me know that I am not alone.